1/21/08
Straight up now tell me…
I woke up in a haze, smelling smoke, hearing a snap, crackle and pop, but saw no bowls of cereal. Stumbling out of bed, unsure of how my legs were working, I managed to slide on my slippers and made my way to the living room. Looking around the room, it appeared that all was normal. In the corner was plundered gold and silver, under the couch was an assortment of swords and small cannons, and in the fireplace roared a fire made from the masts of ships long since destroyed. Seeing the sights, a thought dawned on me and I soon realized that we were back home from our journey of finding more rum. Bountifully, I bounded over the booty, blessed to be born a burglar of the bourgeoisie.
Sitting down and flipping on my TV, I was greeted to a stellar rendition of Martin Luther King Jr.’s I have a dream speech. For multiple reasons, this speech struck me in a way it never has before. Usually, I think of all the problems that still exist today. I think of all the racism I deal with daily in my community. I usually think of how I can help King’s dream come true in my life time. Today was different. Today I recalled a dream I had the previous night. I dreamed that I was driving to a concert, listening to talk radio’s coverage of the elections. They were talking about Romney, calling his campaign an unstoppable force, and even the mighty McCain can’t compete with Mitt. Hearing McCain’s name, my dream skipped to the concert, with John McCain delivering a speech for none other than Jon Bon Jovi. Jon Bon Jovi proceeded to rock his music, covering hit songs such as the Shaft Theme Song and Paula Abdul’s Straight Up Now Tell Me.
The lyrics to the latter went as follows:
Lost, in the campaign, John don’t know which way to go
If Iowa was all that it seemed, Then McCain is moving, moving way too slow
He’s been through this all before; the swift boats slammed his door
How ‘bout some delegates please, please, ah please, please
Straight talk, now tell me, do you wanna’ be my leader forever, oh, oh, oh
Or are you gonna’ lose to Mitt Romney
Straight talk, now tell me is it going to be McCain and America together, oh, oh, oh
Please don’t let us lose to Hillary!
Strange as this may be, I feel that McCain should use some sort of “popular” music to reach his campaign out to some younger voters. McCain has been called too old, and I have heard reports that he can’t lift his hands above his shoulders, making it impossible for him to comb his own hair. We did have a president in a wheelchair, but is this the time when we show that a man unable to take care of himself is the face of our nation? Even Huckabee is attacking McCain, using roundhouse-kick-to-the-face specialist Chuck Norris as a spokesman, having Norris call him too old to be a leader. South Carolina didn’t seem to care about age, giving McCain 33% of the vote, but close at his heals was the man mentioned above, Mike Huckabee, at 30%. While the AARP is a major voting block, will this year be the year that the elderly and the evangelicals split into separate factions?
After this weekend, the delegate situation isn’t looking great for anyone but Romney. I know McCain did just mop up in the rum filled state of South Carolina, but he is still losing to Romney by a delegate count of 66 to 38. Sure, Romney received 0 delegates in South Carolina, but he is currently leading the newest (as of the 1/20/08 Rasmussen poll) polls in Florida. Another factor that could help Romney is that the Mormons are turning out to vote in every state they are remotely popular. Michigan helped Romney, with the population of Michigan deciding to vote on an ex-governor’s son, but I question as to when the anti-Mormon attack will start nationally. A lot of facts can be shifted, giving Romney a bad name, just as John Kerry was attacked for false information back in 2004. The Mormons, where they live, are a powerful bunch. While the Church does not say to support him, just drive into any LDS church parking lot on a Sunday and see how many bumper stickers of other candidates you see. In a biased, not very well research survey taken in Coeur d’Alene, Idaho, one out of every three cars located in the LDS parking lot were already for Romney, and this was before Christmas. This could impact the race immensely if it remains close come the western states primaries, where the majority of the LDS faithful reside.
The race is still a mess, but for those of you interested in Las Vegas’ odds on who will be the candidate for the GOP, the list is as follows*.
McCain-7/5
Romney-5/1
Huckabee-4/1
Paul-10/1
Thompson- 8/1
Giuliani- snowball's chance in hell
*Politicalpirate.org does not support gambling and if you decide to gamble, we are not responsible for anything that happens to you. Unless you win big and then we demand a cut!
Finally, I wish you all a happy Martin Luther King Jr. day. Go out, change the world, demand equality and remember to vote. Until next week,
Scott E. Jay, out like Duncan Hunter.
1/7/2008
Coming to a state near you, 7 men will try to restore the land to the way God, or at least Ronald Reagan, intended it. Through a series of events so mind-twisting and confusing, one man will emerge as the one who can finally lower taxes , solve the border problems, stop abortion and thaw out John Wayne's body. The mission is simple, the men are not.
Featuring-
Rudy Giuliani- This man saved New York from the terrorists, or he would like you to think so. Financed by who knows what underworld organizations, this ex-mayor of Gotham city is the stereotypical Republican. Granted, he does look a little like the Penguin character from Batman. While he tends to be a strong candidate, he is bound to do outrageous things for attention. From riding on a Segway into a campaign event to contemplating Dick Cheney as a running mate, never a dull moment surrounds this bespeckled, Brooklyn born, participant in parliamentary-like politics.
Mike Huckabee- I Heart Huckabee's was Iowa's number one movie in 2004, and so far in 2008, the motto still rings true. Huckabee came out of nowhere and basically bible thumped his way across the Midwestern battleground state. His motto is I LIKE MIKE, obviously hoping to get some AARP support. Hailing from the same city as Bill Clinton, Hope is definitely on Huckabee's side in 2008. As an ex-Baptist minister, he brings the Religious Right out in droves, turning his foes into nothing more than fire and brimstone, like a true Baptist does. If the bible beatings aren't enough, this moralistic man has employed none other than Chuck Norris to be his public spokesman. If Chuck Norris can sue NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs, imagine what the man he supports can do. Vote for Mike or get a roundhouse kick to the face.
John McCain- This Panama Canal (US side) born man, currently leading in New Hampshire, is an American legend. As a POW in Vietnam, he survived the worst treatments imagined, except waterboarding, of course. He is against torture, and pretty much hates Bush more than any other candidate in the GOP. Most notably, recently on a campaign stop, he decided to break away from the normal promises and started telling Irish jokes. His brain could slowly be turning into mush, and frequently breaks into song about bombing Iran, but still is in the top half of all candidates for having his sanity. He does have the spokesman for AARP, Wilfred Brimley, backing him up, so he could be a major factor.
Ron Paul- This maverick from Texas is quite the little sensation. Looking like Golem from Lord of the Rings, he is making the type of money that only Peter Jackson can recognize. He ran against Reagan for the 1984 GOP nominee, and later ran as a libertarian, pulling .5% of the national vote. He is against the war, and is running to "restore the Republican Party" before it dies. Plans for his campaign have included buying a blimp and having mass internet donations in 24 hour time periods. Most recently, on the anniversary of the Boston tea Party, he made 8 million dollars in 72 hours. His dark horse candidate could come in, guns a-blazing and take this movement all the way to the top. With grass roots support, he is always around, but will it be enough?
Mitt Romney- Mormon, 'nuff said. This suave looking well funded, Massachusetts, Mormon man is battling for the top spot in New Hampshire. An ex-Salt lake City Olympic committee president, he supposedly cleaned up the Olympics' bribing scandal and restored the image of the games. While he appears strong, he has been constantly accused of flip-flopping on issues and royally pissing off John McCain. Making tons of money from the LDS church, he is not officially sponsored by them; it just goes as an unsaid bond that they will support him. If you doubt it, just drive into any Mormon Church parking lot on Sunday and count the bumper stickers. Public opinion remains high, despite prejudices against his religion. Will his support continue or will the anti-polygamists, caffeine loving, alcohol drinking Protestants stand up against him?
Fred Thompson- The eldest man in the group, at least looks wise, probably ran against Jesus for Savior. While the joke is in bad taste, Fred's age has been causing him to lose his edge. As an ex-senator and Law and Order actor, Fred has been in the public spotlight for years. A good friend of John McCain, Fred Thompson, body and mind willing, will be a factor until the end. Being in the Watergate investigations helps with the trust in leaders our country needs today, but being scary looking, will probably hinder him. As of late his popularity has fizzled and people have heard him say he doesn't even want to be president. He did place 3 rd in Iowa, so we shall see with old Freddy and his desires. (PS. Can anyone find a picture of him that doesn't look like a pedophile's mugshot?)
Michael Jesus Archangel- Words can't describe him, but Politics1.com did a god job, so why try and out do them.
This gadfly candidate -- who also uses the name "Saint Michael Jesus the Archangel" (note: formerly named Philip Silva until he legally adopted the Archangel moniker in 1996) -- appears rather delusional. "From the time I was a little boy I knew I was God and Michael the Archangel, but I didn't dare tell anyone, not even anyone in my family because I knew that the devil, Satan, was going to try to murder Me, and indeed he did try, four separate times," he explains. He says he's a Vietnam War veteran who attempted suicide due to depression and paranoia. He also claims he later became a "a volunteer Secret Agent for the Central Intelligence Agency without pay." A former janitor, he is a self-employed "writer" these days. As for politics, he describes himself as a "radical conservative Republican" who recognizes "the fact that America is an official Theocracy." Archangel was arrested on attempted murder and other felony charges in March 2006. "As a matter of fact, he is crazy. Anyone in their right mind can see that," said the Sheriff who arrested him. You can find lots and lots of very long pages of his bizarre writing on his official website: ArchangelMichael.info and http://www.angelfire.com/me5/1/campaignmgr.html
What will become of the mysterious men? Stay tuned and find out. Same Pirate time, same Pirate Channel.
Scott E. Jay Contact: politicalpirates@gmail.com
