2.22.08
Meanwhile, Back at
the Ranch
Attention All Americans:
Those wankers who are still brave enough to call themselves citizens but spend their time abroad drinking foreign wines and eating snails can still vote in our presidential election! And guess what… they’re backing Senator Barack Obama!
After winning the vote of American expats, Obama has won
eleven, yes 11, races in a row.
Potentially. If
But another
While many of Obama’s supporters live in fear of a potential
assassination attempt on
But is the election really the biggest issue American
democrats and liberals are facing currently?
At first glance, one would believe this to be the case, but no. Bush’s lovely little plan for destroying
Yesterday, the Bush Administration shot down one of our
faulty spy satellites. Non-news? Completely the opposite. For those of you with a short memory let me
remind you of what happened thirteen months ago.
Nothing came of it aside from international suspicion and
hostility towards
A satellite launched about a year ago by the
What kills me is the thinly veiled propaganda used by the
"I'll bet you a dinner that the Russians will do it next," said Philip Coyle, Captain Bill’s chief weapons tester at the Pentagon. And we know that the Serb-loving Russians are already angry with us for supporting the Kosovo revolution.
Remember Reagan-era Star Wars? Remember the Cold War? It’s all coming back.
But forget what I’ve been telling you. It’s an election year.
L. Wolff
dreadpirateleslie@gmail.com
2/12/2008 While struggling for valid news to bring you this week, I am sitting on board my ship, drinking copious amounts of rum, flogging landlubbers and browsing the odds given for presidential hopefuls on various internet sites. In the past it seemed as though everyone was backing Hillary Clinton, but there are new reasons for the audacity to hope for Barack Obama to win the democratic nomination… and not just because his book won a grammy! (That’s right, mateys, yesterday Mr. Obama won A GRAMMY for his spoken word version of his book The Audacity of Hope: Thoughts on Reclaiming the American Dream, beating out spoken word albums by former presidents Jimmy Carter and William Jefferson Clinton.) Over the weekend, Senator Obama won four whole states and the Virgin Islands while Senator Hillary gyrated aimlessly, squirting political juices from her figurative neck much like a beheaded chicken. Mrs. Clinton shook up her already frustrated staff by dropping Patty “I’m a White Woman with 16 Years of Hillary Friendship” Sollis Doyle in order to install Maggie “I’m Not a White Woman, but I’m a Loyal Clinton Insider Who Served as the First Lady’s Chief of Staff” Williams. This restructuring is supposed to renew Hillary’s campaign and her image amongst the American populace, but how hard is she personally working to ensure her nomination? Scallawags and wenches, Hillary Clinton is working overtime. In the February 6th issue, Senator Clinton gave an exclusive interview to Us Magazine… and she was phenomenal! She discussed policy and women’s issues and equal rights and the democratic ideal! Oh, wait. Senator Clinton discussed her worst outfits of all time. Quotes include: “Of a tropical-colored, ankle length coat at a Feed the Children event in 2000, Clinton quipped: ‘I’m a big believer in recycling — even carpets!’” and “She also mocks her own wedding dress, joking, ‘They got the idea for the Seinfeld ‘puffy shirt’ from me.’” (While pirates be above the law, I don’t be believin’ in no plagiarism: http://usmagazine.com/EXCLUSIVE Golly, Mrs. Clinton! I wasn’t a true believer before, but you’ve finally found an issue that makes me want to scream out your name in ecstasy! In other news, I went to my local caucus. We sailed into Budd Bay early due to a nice head wind and I had time to find a seat and watch the not-apparently-differently Tune in for further episodes concerning the delegacy of the Dread Pirate Leslie, Hillary’s clothing disasters and Obama’s vocal-grammy-winning-smoothitud L. Wolff
The Democratic (rhymes with) Bluster Duck
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2/6/08
AND THEN THERE WERE… THREE?
I awoke this morning to find myself up to me ankles in salty brine. Many of me less mainstream democratic shipmates were missing and nearly all of the pseudo-realistic candidates for ship’s captain had sleep-walked themselves right off the plank. Representative Kucinich ran off with a lifeboat when he realized that these waters be too big and rough for the likes of a man who needs to rescue his congressional seat from the hands of corporate soldiers. Mr. Kucinich, after talking to his incredibly hot wife, realized that business interests are interested in a lot more than “business as usual.” They are now interested in destroying the career of a man who rather than take bribes from lobbyists would rather have the ordinary citizens in charge of what actually happens in the United States. Maybe you should have thought twice about attempting to process the articles of impeachment against Bush and Cheney, eh Dennis?
Meanwhile, Edwards fell overboard and I didn’t notice he was gone until he’d been adrift for too long to save. What happened in Vegas did not, as the old commercials promised, stay in Vegas. It spread like a John-Edwards-hating cancer into the American media, which informs the voting decisions of nearly all of his would-be supporters.
Now we’re left with a woman, a man of color and a white male who happens to be a nobody in the running. In the aftermath of the tidal wave the race for captain looks mighty different to the eyes of this seadog .
But what of you, me mates? Were ye hit by the massive wall of wetness caused by Tsunami Tuesday? Did ye hear the cries of those who fell from the ship when the waters became too rough? Or were ye one of the thousands and thousands of Americans swept away into caucuses and poll booths? And if ye were amongst the thousands trying to grasp a life-preserver as the waves changed yer bearings, with which of the remaining democrats did ye cast yer lot? Shall we take guesses as to which will be your official nominee?
For those of you who are unaware of his not-so-magnificent presence, Former Senator and real estate developer Mike Gravel, 77, is STILL IN THE RUNNING. Does he know this? While the other candidates were off being born and pursuing law degrees to support their political ambitions, Mr. Gravel was busy living his life like an average American. He lists his net-income as zero dollars, he got a degree from Columbia University and then he whiled away his time practicing politics and realty. Here we have Mr. BS in Economics/Army Boy competing for the presidency with two Ivy League J.D. scholars who have taught college courses and have spouses who also did graduate law degrees at Ivy League schools. His opponents list their net-incomes in the millions. Doesn’t Mike Gravel realize that the American people no longer want a president who they could go get a beer with? We tried that with Mr. Dubya and look where that got us: chock-full-o-debt, fighting unwinnable wars and watching our super-power status sail right out of the “just plain power” realm and into the “what the hell are we trying to do” realm.
Out-classed much, Mike?
But never fear, as of this moment he has no delegates allotted to him. Instead we have a huge competition between Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama over who gets to run against John McCain. Yes, I know it’s not decided, but seriously, who else could actually win the backing of the republicans? Howard Dean thinks so too, and he’s the omniscient chair of the Democratic National Committee. In an email sent out to democrats today, former presidential hopeful (2004) Howard Dean called upon all democrats throughout the nation to give money to fight the smear campaign that will be instantly launched by republicans and conservative special interest groups now that the republicans have a viable candidate. But haven’t we already invested enough time, money and energy into the fight against racism and sexism? Apparently not if the “race card” and “gender card” arguments are still standardly thrown into national debates. In a nation that thrives of making fun of the other the dollar amount to combat these redneck biases needs to be astronomical.
So where do we stand now? Currently, Senator Clinton is beating Senator Obama by 82 delegates. But does this take into account the rash of endorsements given to Obama recently? I mean, he got the support of the Kennedy clan. That’s practically like having the ghosts of the rat-pack threaten to kick the asses of everyone who doesn’t support you. Not to mention a holla from Nelly of “Hot in Herre” fame. (“I’m backin’ O-ba-ma. So take off all your clothes.”)
The waters be shiftin’ Obama’s way, methinks. But be wary, Mr. Barack. Can ye beat the superdelegates that Madame Clinton has prepared to send after you?
Superdelegates are democratic members of the United States Congress, democratic state governors, former senators, lifelong democratic politicians and other officials of the Democratic National Committee who are appointed by the democratic party’s elite. Superdelegates are not elected like regular delegates, and superdelegates are not legally bound to vote for anyone. These shadowy figures work in closed rooms and vote-trading. Given the Clintons’ hyper-presence in the inner workings of the democratic party, superdelegates seem likely to “donate” votes to Hillary. Obama may win a state’s primary and have the majority of delegates from a region, but the superdelegates can do whatever they please. And what they please tends to involve political favors and lots of cash. These people are key political players who know the game and really want to keep things steady so that they can be appointed again… and again… and again.
Only time will tell which of the three remaining candidates will reign triumphant, but in the interim I’ll be out attending my Washington state caucus. I’ll be watching for which candidate’s supporters are the least scurvy-lookin’.
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1/21/08 It does me, but I’ve always thought that was just because I’m a little strange sometimes. It turns out there are people out there who’ve got it worse than I do! On January 11th, Hillary Clinton spoke to a crowd at a Los Angeles union hall about economics. “Hillary, marry me, baby,” screamed the young man. An impeccable politician, Hillary turned towards the voice and smiled, but once the words registered she actually looked shocked for a split second. She’s quick on her feet, though. “That is certainly the kindest offer I’ve had,” she said, referring to the now infamous ‘iron my shirt’ comments, “but I would probably get arrested.” In other news, Former President Billy Jeff has been officially told to “chill”. House Majority Whip Jim Clyburn(D-SC) is fed up with Bill playing the bad cop to Hillary’s good one. Representative Clyburn has been vocal recently, telling both Hillary and Barack to move on after a dispute about Hillary’s comments regarding LBJ and MLK. Barack Obama has been working hard to recapture the magic momentum he had in Iowa, but is that going to be possible when he does things like publicly call Ronald Reagan a “transformational president”? Let’s hope so. The longer we keep this race wide open the less time the republicans will have to fully calculate their plan of attack! Unfortunately, Bill Clinton is trying to knock Barack out of the race. He mutated Obama’s off-hand comment about Reagan being “transformational” into a slur about himself saying that Obama had said “President Reagan was the engine of innovation and did more, had a more lasting impact on America than I did.” Chill, Bill. On the downside of democratic politics, Representative Dennis Kucinich was, for lack of a better term, screwed over by NBC. After receiving an invitation to participate in last week’s debate in Nevada, Dennis Kucinich was informed that he was dis-invited. So he did what all good Americans do when they’re frustrated, he sued NBC for breach of contract. He sued. And he won the suit. Barely 24 hours before the debate, he was handed a note during an interview telling him to get his arse to Nevada. Showing his penchant for being a little different, Dennis Kucinich actually used the words “holy smokes.” Seriously. Like being a vegan and admitting to seeing a UFO on the way to Shirley MacLaine’s house weren’t politically damning enough. Yes, he may be the most principled politician out there right now, but the American public will never rally ‘round someone who won’t eat a hot dog from Costco and is likely to say things like “gee willikers” when excited. Unfortunately, the American public will never know Kucinich’s stands on the issues anyway. An hour before the debate, the judicial decision to allow Dennis to debate was repealed by the Nevada Supreme Court. Must be nice to be able to hire a few supreme court justices. John Edwards is falling off the campaign trail more quickly than a drunken frat boy topples down the stairs after the Apple Cup. He got only four percent of the vote in Nevada. (And he got to be in the debate and everything!) While he’s still out there campaigning and giving it a go, you’ve got wonder how he feels right now. He’s the white guy. Shows you how much the democratic party is changing, doesn’t it? Bill Richardson has left our contest. The U.S.S. President Change was just too large a ship for him to wield at this point. It’s back to governing New Mexico after taking one day off to collect his thoughts. Last and least we can’t forget about the Mike Gravel. Wait. Who? He’s still running? Why?
Don’t you love watching women discuss the economy? Doesn’t it make you want to run right home and take a cold shower after the rally?
L. Wolff
DreadPirateLeslie@gmail.com
1/12/08
The Democratic Debacle
Remember what took place in the long, long ago? Remember 2004 when the dems were leaderless, directionless and couldn’t aim well enough to shoot the sitting duck of a president out of the water?
Welcome back.
Kerry was a non-candidate, back in the day, because the democrats all loved Edwards (currently running) and Dean (current party leader) and couldn’t quite jump the gap between them to come up with a reasonable candidate for president. Instead we got a cold fish and even pirates know that fish is better when served piping hot and covered in butter, dill and lemon.
Now we are dealing with the African American man, the white guy and the WOMAN.
(Bill Richardson has jumped ship, so we no longer have a favorable hopeful of Latino descent.)
Where do we place our rum-loving bets this time around?
Personally, I’m scared that we’re headed towards a presidency headed by the Charlton Heston-like John McCain.
The word of the year may very well be “change”, but for the dems “change” is interCHANGEable with “indecisiveness”. Who will win out for the desirable position of ship captain? Who will be backed by dems of all races, genders and age gaps when their personal favorites are forced to walk the plank?
Hillary “Iron My Shirt” Clinton:
The fine art of heckling was idiotically apparent when Senator Clinton was giving a speech in New Hampshire. “Iron my shirt,” screamed the fat, undersexed, under-girlfriended, sign waving man, giving sexism and irony a new lease on life. Hillary’s reaction was stellar: “Oh, the remnants of sexism, alive and well tonight.”
Whilst winning in New Hampshire, Hillary has been “running to break through the highest and hardest glass ceiling” ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PsSvIIDTFr0 ). Clinton has been met with animosity from the vast majority of republicans and a surprisingly strong margin of democrats. Is this because of her gender? In the United States of America? Now? Could it be true?
Why is it unimaginable for the American public to vote for, moreover be led by, a woman? We in are in the minority of industrialized nations not only for our stance against single-payer universal health care, but also in our stance against females who have power. If they behave like a strong candidate they are accused of being too “mannish”. If they cry they are accused of being too emotive. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=348O_Y12L7I ) How can a woman win? It’s difficult, but not impossible. Margaret Thatcher was absolutely insane, according to my reckoning, but she was and is regarded as the feminine (and I use the term loosely) version of Reagan and we all know how well the republicans love their Reagan and his “Reaganomics”. Unfortunately, in the U.S. of A., Clinton’s lack of male genitalia has transferred into a hate party that just won’t quit. Hasn’t she proven her strength under fire by remaining graceful and intelligible while she was scrutinized by the press and public when her husband was off philandering with interns? As a woman with a political bent I am wary of the public and media criticism given to Mrs. Clinton at this point. Would you rather she be at home washing, cooking and ironing? Bad luck to have a woman on board, according to sailors throughout the ages who have lacked the foresight to recognize women as radical agents of change.
Barack Obama:
Mr. Obama came in second in New Hampshire after a stupendous win in Iowa. After Iowa we thought we had a new voice and new leader, but we were sorely mistaken. Now the nomination is up for grabs once more. Will Obama hang on and be the first party-endorsed black presidential candidate? Or does this spell out the beginning of the end for the man who gained fame through speaking at the Democratic National Convention in 2004? I like Obama. Who doesn’t? But he is unproven at this juncture. Ambitious, yes, but still unproven. Does he have what it takes to revive a struggling economy and a horrid legacy of bad foreign policy? The debates won’t tell us anything. Ask your questions directly: http://my.barackobama.com/page/content/contact/ .
While asking his supporters to cheer for his rival, Hillary Clinton, Obama shined through with a potentially Oscar winning smile and the graciousness of a man who remains confident even through minor setbacks. His speech and mannerisms are reminiscent of the late Dr. Martin Luther King. As we approach the birth date of the former civil rights leader, will American prove to the rest of the world that it has progressed beyond the dubious days of the K.K.K. or will it reaffirm the racist image it has gained over the course of history?
Take for instance the Jena Six. A bunch of white kids decided to hang nooses from a tree to tell the black kids not to eat their food there anymore. Upon fighting the privileged white kids over a racial issue one the black kids was tried for attempted murder. Protesters turned out in droves for what has been considered the largest civil rights movement in years. Do you really think lynching is dead? Racism? The art of racial hatred is as alive and well as the blatant sexism that Senator Clinton faced. Need proof? Check out the Southern Poverty Law Center’s website: http://www.splcenter.org/ .
“You must be the change you wish to see in the world,” said Gandhi. If change is your slogan then be that change democrats. I am personally disgusted with the way that you are behaving right now. Race and sex are still major issues in this nation. Hatred and mud-slinging rule the campaign world. I had hoped that we had evolved beyond this, but in all reality anyone who is not a part of the invisible white, well-classed, male club has to fight tooth and nail to get into this run towards the presidency. Those who stand at the top stand on their own merit. They have worked, pleaded and cajoled their way into this race. Democrats, stop fighting amongst yourselves and realize that this is the way you have been defeated in the past. Wake and smell the napalm.
Otherwise it’s going to be Edwards… and his supporters comprise a marginal interest at best.
L. Wolff
DreadPirateLeslie@gmail.com
1/6/08
Welcome to the good ship U.S.S. Change It All. As you may have noted within the past few days of corporate media broadcasting, the word of the day is “change”. Each and every one of our potential leaders sailing the Sea of Democracy wants to be the most fearsome and hearty “change agent” on board. Oh! The audacity to hope* for something so grandiose!
* “hope” is the registered trademark campaign term of Senator Barack Obama.
Come traverse the high seas of polity in search of adventure, booty and the 2008 Presidential Bid with us! But before you sign up, perhaps I should introduce you to the crew:
Captain:
Former President William Jefferson Clinton
Bill has led the ship for the past 16 years. He was the most recent democrat to win the presidency and despite his penchant for wenching and whoring his land-lubbing followers still sing sea shanties in honor of this rakish scallawag. Sadly, he has outlasted his use as captain and we must find a replacement. His crew consists of the candidates.
First Mate:
Hillary Clinton
Former First Lady and NY Senator, Madame Hillary is not your ordinary lady. Although she placed third in the Iowa caucus, she has become ever more relentless in her linguistic swash-buckling. She has even taken to using the word of the day more frequently than Obama or Kucinich! But does she really have what it takes to mule-punch Obama out of the helm? (Watch the ABC debate of January 5th.)
Dreamer on the Crow’s Nest:
Barack Obama
Winner in the Iowa caucus, the Senator from Illinois has captured the hearts and minds of many Americans with his Kenyan decent and early childhood in Hawaii and Indonesia. Doesn’t every ship need a pirate well versed in diplomacy to coax it through rough waters? Barack speaks the message of change and hope whenever he steps down from his perch, high above ordinary “lower 48” born candidates, in the Crow’s Nest. (His books? Dreams from My Father and The Audacity of Hope.)
The Mutineer:
John Edwards
Former Senator from North Carolina and last election’s last ditch V.P. nominee, Mr. Edwards has lost his shoe-in with the voting age wenches. While he used to be “the cute one,” Mr. Edwards has recently become known as “The Populist”. John likes to berate his fellow crew members about their corporate campaign financiers, but just wait for the floggings to begin when they all find out about his secret connections to a Wall Street hedge fund, Fortress Investment Group!
Midshipman:
Bill Richardson
The governor of New Mexico, while not quite one of the “big three,” still sails leagues ahead of the lesser crew members. A steady fourth place, a relative unknown… he might have what it takes if one of the higher ups should be swept away in stormy waters. But seriously, democrats, would you want someone whose first political job was working for a republican congressman from Massachusetts as your new captain?
Galley Cook:
Dennis Kucinich
The representative from Ohio is the only crewmate without corporate sponsorship. He doesn’t take bribes, he doesn’t change his stance. He doesn’t even seem to appreciate good booty when he sees it, unless we count his hot foreign wife. He wants equality and fairness and single-payer healthcare. Can we trust this man to lead our ship past those murderous bastards from Elsewhere? The rest of the crew doesn’t think so and that’s not just because they’re sick of vegan food, either. Pity.
Cabin Boy:
Mike Gravel
Former Senator from Alaska. Mike Gravel is relatively unknown to anyone except for his sister who became a nun, his elementary school teachers who had to deal with his dyslexia and his minimal support base. As cabin boy he fulfills the duties one would generally assume a cabin boy does. Mostly, he gets ignored. His biggest claims to fame are attempting the end the draft in Vietnam and asking Nixon not to test nukes in Alaska. He is also linked to that scurvy democrat-hating dog, Ralph Nader, for his opposition of nuclear power in 1974.
L. Wolff
DreadPirateLeslie@gmail.com
